“You’re crazy! Everyone else agrees with me, what is wrong with you?” These words echoed through my head for many years. And for many years I agreed with them. I had heard them so many times from my Mother, someone who loved me, someone who had my best interests at heart that I concluded that it must be true. I had to fix myself, I had to edit my words, I had to learn how to behave and my Mother would help me do that.
What I didn’t know at the time was my Mother was a Narcissist. When all was said and done, she was looking out for her best interest, her needs alone. What I wanted or needed did not factor into the equation. My needs needed to feed hers, my beliefs needed to match hers even if they didn’t ring true for me, my opinions needed to support hers even if I didn’t agree. What I thought, said or did, didn’t matter, I wasn’t my own person, I was supposed to be a reflection of her. She was the matriarch; I was her puppet. I didn’t see it at first because I was convinced that this was the right thing to do. My Mother was saving me from being a bad person, after all, doesn’t Mother know best?
I was molded into plastic, I became fake, my movements robotic. I didn’t know what was true anymore, so I defaulted my opinions to those who knew best. At that time, it was basically anybody other than me. My life felt out of control, hollow and pointless. I couldn’t figure out where I had gone wrong, because the only thing I knew for certain at that point is that something had drastically gone off the rails. There had to be another way!
It took me well into my 20s before I started to see that she was using my fear to feed her needs. I wanted to do what was right, so when I didn’t behave correctly for her, I became crazy. I wanted to be a good person, and when I wasn’t agreeing 100% with her, I became inequitably wrong. There was no conversation I could have. My word would get twisted, my intent dismissed, my being diminished. My mind was confused but my body knew it all along. All along my body didn’t feel settled, I was angry, and I would rebel with snide comments and double talk. Until I found yoga. Through my practice, I slowly started to see that all of this was a result of me handing my power over for the false promise that I would be safe, be loved, be taken care of. The truth was I wasn’t safe. I couldn’t ever say, do, or be enough to ever get the love and support I was looking for because it wasn’t about me. I wasn’t alive, I was dead inside, I really had become plastic.
What do you do when you are faced with your deepest fear? Do you question your own beliefs like I did? Hide because don’t want to be too much? Tone it down so others don’t feel so bad for not looking? Say what you know others want to hear? Act the way others feel comfortable with? Believe that someone other that yourself will keep you safe? Think someone else dictates what happens in your life, your health?
I know this isn’t the popular opinion right now because everyone is being forced to look at their own mortality, which yes can be scary, but that is exactly why I am going to say this, because it needs to be said. You are 100% in control of your life. Your choices, your actions, your behavior, your words, your health. No one other than yourself can choose for you. Handing your power of choice over to someone else gives them your life, not saves it. Hiding from people so you don’t get them sick feeds into the belief that others are powerless, in turn you believe you are powerless. Policing other people’s actions feeds into the belief that they can’t choose for themselves, in turn you believe you don’t have the right to choose how you live your life.
Nothing is black or white which is freeing and at the same time deeply unsettling because as humans we like things to be predictable. We like to know what to expect so we can feel safe. We want x+y=z, and when x+y=c, we want answers, we want to know who to blame because the result isn’t what we expected. We feel uprooted and we don’t like it. That is when fear sets in and you are vulnerable to willingly hand your power over to those who say they know best. What you forgot to realize is that you are the one with the power. Then person you need to turn to is yourself!
So how do you discern what actions to take, who to be, what to believe when everything feels like it’s been turned upside down?
Yoga Shines the Light On Your Path Forward!
Yoga is the uprooter and the rooter. You are the avatar and the coder. It is your game, but you have to play it in order to see who you really are, what you are really made of and how you fit into this world. When systems are broken, they need to be uprooted so you can root yourself into something that is truer for you, healthier for you. The place where you fear to tread, that will keep you playing small, opening up a door for others to control your choices.
With this pandemic, it opened my eyes to the gift that I was given for growing up with a Narcissist. Yes, it was hard and mind bending, but it made me a stronger human. I became unwavering in my beliefs because I had to look at them from the inside out. It let me see the dangers of giving up seemingly small amounts of my power to others under the guise that they will keep me safe. It forced me to trust myself, to know who I am, and ultimately love the fear that was driving the narcissist in my life.
Now this is playing out on the world stage, and I get to share with you my insights so we can not just survive this situation but learn how to thrive together. Learn how we can heal our bodies, our minds, our souls. Learn how to listen, learn how to trust, learn how important it is for each and everyone one of us to show up.
What has this current situation shown you?
Are you finding your voice, trusting yourself and rooting into your beliefs? If you want to know where to start, jump on a call with me and I can support you in putting a plan together! Grab a FREE call with me below to get your personalized plan!
