Have you ever considered this question?  In a culture that holds a lot of shame and guilt around sex, most likley you haven’t, or at least not to the level that is available to you in your sex life. We simple haven’t been taught the magic available in sex because it feels taboo or you aren’t educated on what sex is.  In a sex negative culture you might not even realize there is something you can receive from sex, you just see it as something that happens to you.  That will look like settling for good enough even though deep down you know there is something more out there…you just don’t know what it is.

So ask yourself this question.  How’s your sex life?  Take a moment and rate your sex life on a scale from 1 – 10 on how satisfying is your sex life is right now?  Not how satisfying has it been, how satisfying you wish it was, how satisfying is your sex life right now.

Be honest.  It doesn’t matter what number you’re at, it only matters that you’re honest about what number you’re at.  Because you can’t improve something you aren’t willing to admit needs improvement.  Maybe right now sex feels like an obligation.  Once you get into it it feels good, but you need to convince yourself to get started.  You’re probably at a 2.  If you love sex, feel connected to your partner, crave sex with them, but you have trouble or want to experience a cervical orgasm, you’re closer to a 7 or 8.

This also isn’t a continuum.  How satisfying your sex life is isn’t static and it isn’t linear.

If you’re at an 8, it doesn’t mean you’ll always be at an 8 or only slide up the scale.  It is possible to move up and down the scale because your preferences change, you have a child, you get sick, etc.  It isn’t a reflection on your worth or ability, but an indication of the growth and shifts you make during your life.

In order to get the most of of your sex life, you need to make sure your sex life satifys you.  And what satisfied you ten years ago isn’t going to be what satisfies you today.  Your needs change, your desires change, your discover new needs and desires all of which need to be reflected in your sex life so it can feel fully satisfying to you.  This requires intention.  You need to be intentional about what you want, what turns you on and what you need in the bedroom to turn you on!

Because the goal of your sex life is to turn you on!  In western society, the message the gets burned into our subconscious is the primary purpose of sex is for procreation, pleasure is optional.  This needs to be flipped around.  The primary goal of sex is pleasure and procreation is optional.

To learn about what satisfies you and explore your needs and desires you need to have a self-pleasure practice and know what you want from your sex life.

Your practice can be anywhere from 1 minute to 90 minutes depending upon your needs and availability at the moment.  If you don’t have a lot of time, you can simply start by getting clear on your wildest dreams for your sex life.

How often do you want to have sex?

Do you want to include other partner(s)?

How do you want to feel during sex?  Do you want to feel nourished and taken care of?  Do you want to feel in charge?  Is there a particular thing you want to try, but maybe you’ve been too afraid to try?

What does sex mean to you?  What did your parent teach you about sex (directly and indirectly)?

Cultivating a sex life you love isn’t a destination, it is a journey that requires honesty, curiousity and exploration as your grow and evolve.  It’s about going inward and asking for what you want and desire.  Happy travels.

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